Chapter 2
yearning
noun
a strong feeling of wishing for something, especially something that you cannot have or get easily
Emily Prentiss didn’t have a life.
Well, not outside of work. Her work was her life, had always been, even way back when she wasn’t at the BAU. How couldn’t it be? When her job entailed that she live a separate, fabricated life (or lives) for years if need be, there just wasn’t any room for a life of her own except during vacations and downtime. And that habit was hard to break.
So when she stepped into the BAU, she had slipped into the job seamlessly. It was nothing new.
She did try. She spent time bonding with JJ and Penelope, and now with Tara, too, on their Girls’ Nights. Before her life had been upended once again by the very thing she thought she had already escaped from, she had developed casual friendships, from brunches with her cat-sitter to small hellos from her neighbors. And she went out on a couple of dates, not that it led to anything more serious. Her job had prevented that.
(Some people weren’t as unlucky, and she had often idly wondered how they were able to pull it off. It didn’t work out for Hotch. Rossi had three divorces behind him — although how much of that was because of the job, Emily didn’t know. But it worked out for Matt. It worked out for JJ, for a while.)
So she had taken a cat instead of a lover. At least a cat would be a sure constant in her life. Sergio didn’t complain about feeling unprioritized because of her work, and Emily didn’t have to worry if she still had anyone to come back to, after hurriedly leaving in the middle of a date she’d rescheduled for the fifth time because of a serial killer who couldn’t care less about her love life.
Sergio was enough.
And then her life changed again. She had to leave everything, sold her apartment, even Sergio was gone. Then she was all alone. Like before.
She came back, but it wasn’t the same. She had to start over, had to quickly and desperately repair fractured relationships. In the end, it wasn’t enough.
So she flew to London.
London had been different. It felt like a completely new life, a fresh start. It was exactly what she needed. It had taken a small while to fully acclimate to her new position, but eventually she was giving orders and making decisions as if she was made for it. Some of her colleagues she knew from before, and her reputation made her introductions in her stead, and with it came respect. With her new role, she got busier, and much like her previous job, she travelled often, not just to different states, but to different countries — her ability to speak in multiple languages more useful than it had ever been.
Of course, Hotch never stopped asking for her to come back — the position she had vacated kept opening as if a premonition — but she had refused every time. London was her new home.
At least, that was what she adamantly kept telling herself on her flights back to London the two times she had gone back to DC.
For a friend.
The first time was to save that friend’s life. The second time was when she became the centerpiece of Emily’s nightmares.
And the third time was for self-indulgence.
And when that friend had not-so-discreetly begged her to come back — the memory of her jumping on her feet in excitement as she greeted Emily on her first morning back coming to mind — she couldn’t find the will to say no.
Upsetting a perfectly stable life and leaving a boyfriend behind.
Maybe that made her a fool. She didn’t mind.
They were called in to Miami. They had already delivered the preliminary profile first thing in the morning and were interviewing the victims’ families, polishing their victimology to find more clues about the killer’s identity.
It was nearing lunch time. Emily was leaning against the doorframe of the room assigned to their team, her arms crossed in front of her, her eyes on JJ, whose back was to her — the latter writing on the board what they have learned about the victims so far. They were waiting for the rest of the team to come back from their assignments, so they could convene for lunch at the local diner right in front of the police station.
It was a warm day; JJ had her long hair in a high ponytail, her blazer hung over one of the chairs around the table between them. Even at that distance, Emily could see the nape of JJ’s neck from where she was standing — skin she had touched two nights before.
“You’re staring, you know,” Tara said, appearing behind Emily with a cup of coffee in her hand. She stopped at the doorway to stand beside Emily.
“No, I’m not,” Emily softly retorted, tilting her head to the side, yet still not tearing her eyes away.
“Yes, you are.” Tara took a well-timed sip from her paper cup.
“Nope.” Emily still looked ahead as she uncrossed her arms and put her hands in her pockets. She watched as JJ stood back from the board and tapped the end of the marker to her chin. JJ pulled her free hand through her ponytail once before settling the same hand on her hip. Emily shifted to stand a little straighter. “Not staring.”
“What are we looking at?” Reid said behind them, his view obscured by the two women blocking the doorway. Tara and Emily seemed to have realized that at the same time.
Tara opened her mouth to speak, but before she could get a single syllable out, Emily gave her a pointed — though Tara would swear later that it was a pleading — look, and Tara promptly closed her mouth. Reid just looked back and forth between the two of them, confused.
“Hey, Emily? I think I noticed a pattern—” JJ turned, having not noticed the slight commotion behind her, only to be surprised to find three of her teammates standing at the doorway, directly staring at her. “What?”
One of the three looked back at her with just the same confused look on her face, another bit her lower lip, as if trying to hold back a laugh, and the other looked away and cleared her throat.
Before another word could be said, the police chief approached from behind them calling for Emily. Another body had been found. It looked like they would be skipping lunch this time.
Maybe she had overdone it a little.
That was the first thing Emily thought about the moment she entered her office days before, after she and JJ had breakfast together. And it was the same thing on her mind one, two days after.
Had she overstepped her boundaries?
It wasn’t her intention to take advantage of JJ’s vulnerability. She was being a good friend, she justified to herself, a ready shoulder to cry on any time she was needed. And she had promised JJ that, and she had no intention of ever breaking that promise.
It was only after everything was done, after they ate the breakfast she had carefully prepared — more for JJ than them both — in the safety of her home, did she realize what she did.
She couldn’t get used to that.
She hadn’t even thought about Henry. Sure, they had just gotten back from a case, so Henry was probably at Will’s (he was, later she’d find out), but she couldn’t have known that. Had she taken JJ’s precious time with her child away from her? They were called in to another case right away; JJ could have spent the free night afforded to them with Henry. And perhaps that would have comforted JJ just as much.
She wasn’t there when it happened. She had been away on a case in Côte d’Ivoire when she heard about the divorce. It was one of those moments when she felt regret about leaving, that she was an ocean instead of a stone’s throw away to physically comfort her friend.
She had pushed for them to get together. She had figured out their secret relationship long before JJ even decided to take the plunge with Will, making subtle suggestive remarks just to provoke her to admit her feelings. And when she said, You should go for him. You’d make a cute couple, she had honestly meant it. She really did.
Emily sincerely just wanted her to be happy, for JJ to grab the chance at happiness right when it dangled in front of her. They didn’t always get that chance, not with the job they had. So upon hearing the news of their divorce, a part of her had felt guilty that perhaps she had been a cause of unhappiness in JJ’s life, if she’d led them to this path the moment she pushed them together.
But their union had given them Henry, and for that they had no regret. That much JJ had told her, when Emily called to check in on her later that day.
So she wasn’t taking that away from JJ. At least, Emily tried to convince herself that this was what it was all about.
It did feel nice, to be needed. It felt nice to be the one person to give — and to be allowed to give — her comfort. And Emily would treasure that for the rest of her life, as she had always done.
Perhaps they had no need to do the rest of the things they did. There was no need for them to hold each other as they slept. Emily told herself that it was all for JJ, to make her feel less alone, but the truth was that it was for her, too. She just wanted to revel in it, wanted to relive the same feeling she had when JJ had said to her, Emily… I knew they’d call you. I knew it, even for just one more time. She wanted to bask in it forever, in the complete trust JJ had gifted her — implicit in her eyes, but explicit in the way she had followed Emily without a word — because that was what it was, a gift.
And it should be enough.
But the pride she felt in her chest as JJ, hair still a bit rumpled from sleep, gleefully wolfed down the French toast she had conscientiously prepared and tried to get right… Emily swore she could have burst into happy powdery pieces right then and there.
But she couldn’t — and shouldn’t — get used to that. No.
But she could allow herself that one moment. And that would have to be enough.
Not even a day after Miami, they were called in to Boise.
When they arrived at the police station, they were greeted by a tall woman with short blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. If this were ten years before, JJ would have been the one to approach her first, but that was then. This time, Emily walked forward with a purposeful stride in front of them.
The rest of the team didn’t recognize her, but when the woman greeted Emily with a disarming smile and a hug that looked all too close and familiar to be between two friendly strangers meeting for the first time, it was obvious to the rest of them that they had already been more than acquainted.
As they pulled back, her hands cupping Emily’s elbows, the woman spoke first, “Emily! Oh my god. It’s been what, ten years?”
“I believe it’s… thirteen years now.” Emily smiled warmly at the woman before stepping back to face her team. “These are SSAs Rossi, Jareau, Alvez, Simmons, Dr. Lewis, and Dr. Reid.”
“Lou Calhoun. Thank you for coming,” she said, shaking each of their hands one by one. “I have a room all ready for you.” She guided them to a round-table room, with a whiteboard on one side and boxes of papers on the table. “The files are in those boxes. Just let me know if there’s anything else you need.” At that, she looked directly at Emily, who just smiled and nodded back.
“Alright. Let’s get to work.”
Lou was an old friend. That was how Emily introduced her to the team on their last night in Boise. (She didn’t miss the stifled smiles and raised eyebrows when she said the words old friend, but she just shrugged it off. Lou didn’t bristle; they knew what they were.) They had met in the field on a case thirteen years ago when Emily was just new to the team. She remembered how Morgan playfully nudged her side after she and Lou exchanged introductions and shook hands, with Emily saying, Then, by all means, after you, in a dangerously low voice with a loaded look, to let her lead the way to a dump site. He had never seen her that way before.
They had finally finished the case and were having dinner at a local place Lou recommended. The team had agreed that they would stay over one more night, just to get a good night’s rest, and that they would fly back to DC first thing in the morning.
Thirteen years ago, Emily stayed back for one more night, too, but they didn’t have to know that.
Lou knew, and from the sparkle in her eyes and her physical proximity to Emily the entire evening, Emily was under no illusion about the conversation they’d be having later that night. They had been through it before.
So when they walked alone together back to the hotel, an inch of space between them — the rest of the team having gone first — as they caught up on each other’s lives, Emily knew what she was getting into.
She welcomed it. Lou had a certain calmness about her that Emily immediately liked. She was an easy companion. She never pushed, never asked for more, never asked for anything Emily couldn’t give, as if she knew that she wouldn’t, anyway. Emily appreciated that.
And she was exactly what Emily needed right now, a distraction.
“You went to London?”
“Yeah. I was there for four years.”
“Wow.”
Emily could feel Lou turn her head to look at her for a few seconds. The profiler in her wanted to see the expression on her face, to make out what she was thinking, but Emily just looked ahead. For some unknown reason, she had been feeling stiff all evening.
Lou moved a step closer. “Four years is a long time. What made you come back?”
Emily chewed on her bottom lip; she couldn’t answer at first. Not that she ever knew the correct answer to that question. So she chose the easiest one. “DC is home.”
Lou just smiled at that. “I understand that. I feel the same way about this town.”
They entered the hotel doors and walked all the way to the elevators. Emily could make out the vending machine in the corner of the hallway as they got closer. For a moment, she thought of grabbing a chocolate bar before going up to her room, until she saw something familiar in the display chamber. The second she saw it, Emily sighed with a quiet, resigned laugh, shaking her head, her shoulders finally relaxing for the first time that night.
How absurd it all was, she thought, as she pressed the button for the item beside the yellow Lay’s. There was no getting away.
“Didn’t know you like Cheetos.”
Beside her was a woman, beautiful and willing and familiar and safe, but all Emily could do at that moment was stare at the bag of junk food in her hand with a wistful smile, as she tried to figure out if the animal on the packaging was a cheetah, leopard, or a tiger.
“So, tomorrow? Like old times?”
She could hear a ding in the background as the elevator car arrived.
“Not this time.”
The next morning, Emily was the last to enter the jet. The rest of the team were already settled in their usual seats. Emily found JJ staring out the window, as if deep in thought, the seat empty beside her.
It was only when Emily sat down that JJ noticed she was there. JJ looked up at her with a surprised expression before calming down into a smile. It was clear to Emily that she wasn’t expected to be there at all.
“You’re here.”
Emily patted JJ’s thigh, once, before pulling her hand away.
“I’m always here.”
Later, after takeoff, when the seatbelt signs were off, Emily opened her bag and took something out of it. The noise of the packaging turned JJ’s head her way almost instantly. Emily laughed at the way JJ’s eyes practically lit up when she saw what it was.
“You’re a godsend, Em,” JJ groaned out gratefully.
Emily took out her own snack, a dark chocolate bar she’d bought at the last minute before she left the hotel.
They ate together. Emily could hear the crunch of the cheese puffs as JJ chewed beside her. She didn’t mind at all. And taking in the absolute delight on JJ’s face, she knew she would never mind. Ever.
Having closed two cases in a row with barely any breathing space between them, Emily promised her team that they would at least get the rest of the day and the entire weekend off. It wouldn’t do them any good to run on fumes.
Emily waited for JJ by the jet entrance, the rest of the team having gone out before them. She couldn’t remember when it began, but it had become one of their little rituals that they neither spoke about nor agreed on; it just was.
“Any plans for the weekend?” Emily asked offhandedly, as she and JJ walked down the steps together.
“Henry’s staying over with me, and my mom is visiting,” JJ answered with a small smile.
“Sounds like it’ll be a fun weekend,” Emily said sincerely. She knew it had been a week since JJ spent any time with Henry.
“What about you?”
“Just boob tube and my hot tub.”
Emily thrilled as JJ bumped her shoulder against hers at her remark, the smile on either of their faces breaking into a light laugh as their eyes met. They sat beside each other on the jet on the way back, but it felt like this was the closest they’d ever been since that night. Emily held the strap of her go bag tighter as she looked away first.
They walked towards the main building in silence.
Just a few steps away from the entrance, Emily could see JJ turn her head towards her again in her peripheral vision, and she couldn’t help herself but face JJ, too, in return. JJ looked down awkwardly, and it made Emily’s stomach tingle.
“You know,” JJ started uncertainly, still looking down, “I still owe you breakfast.”
She had told herself just days ago that she shouldn’t get used to this.
“I don’t know if it compares to your French toast, but,” JJ paused, finally looking up at Emily, eyes searching, “Henry says I make the best pancakes.”
So what made you decide to leave London for good? Tara had asked her once over a glass of red wine. At that time, she’d told Tara her practiced answer: that DC was home, that the job was cleaner, that the BAU was where she truly belonged. All of those were true.
But as she stood there, staring dumbly at JJ, taking in what she liked to think was a hopeful look in her eyes, Emily knew that she’d left something out, too.
Maybe just one more.
“Emily?”
Just this one more thing and then never again.
“I’m looking forward to it.”