Title: Tittle-Tattle [FanFiction.Net | Archive of Our Own]
Rating: M?
Category: Justice League
Character(s)/Relationship(s): [Diana of Themyscira (Wonder Woman), Clark Kent (Superman)]
Genre: Romance, Humor
Summary: Two regular people gossip about Supes and Wondy. Who doesn’?
“So…”
“So?”
“So, what do you think Superman and Wonder Woman do on a date?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I mean, do you think they do what normal people do, like, I don’t know…”
“Like, you mean, go to dinner, watch movies, that sort of stuff?”
“I guess.”
“It’s just interesting for me, because, you know, with their powers, they can do a lot more exciting stuff.”
“You mean…”
“I mean, like, maybe have a picnic on the moon, kiss on air, fly to other countries and actually taste local exotic food, those kinds of things…”
“Well, yeah, I guess kissing on air is like normal for them.”
“I still can’t believe they’re together. They’re so adorable. I mean, I know they’re all professional when they’re saving people, but can you imagine how sweet they are on each other when alone? Just imagining them doing what regular couples do… I can think of all cute and romantic scenarios.”
“Your head is running wild again.”
“I am so envious of them right now—can you imagine?—but, I’m really interested, too.”
“Do you think they also go on dates like regular humans? Like, among us, is what I’m saying.”
“You know, that would be really interesting.”
“Maybe they have secret identities or something like that. Spies do that all the time. I bet superheroes have them, too.”
“Yeah.”
“But they’re so tall! I’m pretty sure they would stand out. With the kind of looks and build they have, I doubt you can just ignore them when they walk by. Or what if they’re already popular in their secret identities, that you wouldn’t bat an eye when you see them because you already expect them to stand out. I mean, what if they’re actually celebrities? I mean, I know they’re already celebrities, they’re superheroes, but I’m saying—”
“I get what you’re saying, but, if they’re already celebrities, don’t you think we would notice that? I can’t think of anybody looking like them…”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right about that.”
“Speaking of celebrities, do you think they watch movies about themselves? You know, you’ve heard about the upcoming Batman v Superman movie. I think it would be funny if they actually watch the movie.”
“Well, I think it’d be weird watching a movie about yourself.”
“As an outsider, I think it would be hilarious.”
“It is.”
“Speaking of that movie, who do you think would win?”
“I don’t know. Is Batman even real?”
“Of course, he is! Where have you been? Do you live under a rock!? He’s a member of the Justice League!”
“Oh, yeah, right.”
“…”
“What are you thinking?”
“You don’t want to know…”
“Try me.”
“I’m thinking of several possible fan fiction scenarios I can think of Superman and Wonder Woman right now.”
“Huh…”
“Well, you do know that people have been writing fan fiction and drawing fan art of them even before they came out as a couple, right? I mean, Superman and Wonder Woman being together is like peanut butter and jelly.”
“I guess you’re right about that.”
“What do you think they’re doing right now?”
“…”
“I mean, I’m pretty sure they’re not at work all the time. Even superheroes need a break.”
“I don’t know, exercising, maybe?”
“Exercising?”
“Yeah, they’re so fit. You’d think they do a lot of exercise to maintain that.”
“Hmm… Superman and Wonder Woman exercising together. I bet they’re sparring right now up at the Watchtower.”
“That’s possible.”
“I bet either of them can only go all out on each other. They’re like the ‘big hitters’. They’re both so strong… It’s almost like they have the same powers. I don’t think Superman or Wonder Woman can treat others in battle the same way they treat each other. No holding back…”
“Yeah.”
“It’s like sex, you know?”
“Huh.”
“Hey, come on. You know that’s what the whole world was thinking when we all saw the news…”
“Well…”
“The sex must be so good. I mean, can you just imagine?”
“I don’t know. You wouldn’t think that when you see either of them. They’re like too classy, too pure, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, come on! Yeah, yeah, I get what you’re saying, but that’s what couples do! Just based on that picture, I don’t think they’re still ‘too pure’ when it comes to each other, you know… Besides, them being ‘too classy’, it just makes things even sexier when you think about it. Who would think that these two seemingly ‘too pure’ and ‘classy’ superheroes are actually wild and untamed in the bedroom? Have you actually seen the picture of them making out?”
“Who hasn’t? And stop poisoning my mind…”
“I’m just being real. Stop acting like a virgin. Oh, you have no idea how good the smut I read about them is… They’re flooding, too. My brother even has these Superman Wonder Woman tapes he think he’s hidden so well. Do you know what people on message boards call them? They’re like sex gods in there, you know.”
“What kind of message boards do you hang out at?”
“Just use your imagination. With their powers and strength, wouldn’t you think sex would be more intense when it’s between them? I mean, for regular humans like us, if we’re given their super strength, you would think we’d be fucking pretty fucking hard if you know what I mean.”
“How would you know, anyway? Maybe they’re more into vanilla…”
“How could they stay in just vanilla when Superman can use heat vision in other ways?”
“Oh, geez…”
“I’m not saying they’re into bondage or anything like that. Wait, well, now that I think about it, Wonder Woman does have a lasso…”
“I don’t think she uses it that way…”
“I don’t know. If I was Wonder Woman, I think I would be tempted.”
“I really don’t—”
“They actually sell Superman and Wonder Woman costumes in sex shops, if you didn’t know. They have the tiara, bracers, and even the lasso for effect, too. Well, if you’re into that kind of thing…”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I mean, yeah, it figures. Seeing all the Superman Wonder Woman porn, you would ask where they all got those costumes ready-made and stuff.”
“Oh, god.”
“Oooh, do you think they have ever tried having sex on air? I read about it a lot. I really believe that’s something they would do.”
“…”
“Who do you think is on top?”
“I really don’t know…”
“I think it’s Wonder Woman. Ha ha.”
“…”
“It would be really sexy, though, if Superman suddenly becomes the more aggressive one.”
“I guess…”
“It got me wondering; I wonder if they cause earthquakes and tidal waves or anything like that when they have sex? I mean, super strength means super sex, literally earthshaking sex.”
“Yeah…”
“I have so many questions! How often do they do it? How long do you think they last?”
“Well, don’t ask me. Don’t they have like super stamina?—Wait, why are you even asking these questions? Why are you so curious about their sex life?”
“Well, aren’t you? Who isn’t, right?”
“I’m not!”
“What? Are you sure you’re not sexually repressed or anything like that?”
“Hey! Don’t bring me into this…”
“So, how often and how long, Kent?” Bruce asked Clark with a smirk.
Clark, who couldn’t do anything but be flustered all throughout the conversation of the young couple near their table, admonished weakly, “Shut up, Bruce.”
Bruce continued, “You know you don’t need superhearing to hear what they’re talking about.” He looked at his friend who was helplessly trying to tune out the conversation he never wanted to listen to in the first place. “I told you we should have gone to the other restaurant instead.” He adds, just to rile Clark up, “I can’t wait until Diana arrives.”
Clark puts his fingers on his temples in an exasperating gesture. “We should move tables right now.” The table nearest the corner window suddenly looked very comfortable to Clark right at that moment.
Just then, the door to the restaurant opened, then Diana was walking quickly towards them. Her hair was windswept. She looked like she had been rushing. She smiled to the two men.
“Sorry to have kept you waiting. Something in London was keeping me.” She went to sit on the vacant chair beside Clark’s. Diana turned to him and asked, “I know this happens way too often. You’ve been waiting for how long?”
If anything, Bruce’s smirk got even wider to an almost-grin. Clark laughed nervously, grabbed Diana’s hand, and dragged her across the restaurant to the table near the window.
“Clark! Wha—” Diana looked at Bruce, who was following them, confused. “Was it something I said?”